0. Big Cass w/ Enzo Amore vs. Rusev w/ Lana
Rusev vs. Big Cass is what happens when you have two fellas you don’t want to look weak but book ’em against each other anyways. It was like five minutes of some clobbering and was OK. Big Cass catching the Macha kick was cool. The finish was expected but a disappointing start to a disappointing show – do what ya gotta do, guys. Tell that story. *1/4
Couple questions I don’t expect to ever get an answer to: Where did WWE get the stock footage of police cars for the intro? And how does The New Day choose who’s going to compete?
Also – HOW ABOUT THE COPS CALLING IN A 1053 AT THE START OF THE SHOW? 1053 Ridge refers to the address where the good brothers here gathered to watch wrestling in college, but it also means a ROADWAY IS BLOCKED!! EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED!!!
1. RAW Tag Team Title: The New Day (Big E & Kofi Kingston) w/ Xavier Woods [c] vs. Cesaro & Sheamus
New Day vs. Cesaro/Sheamus was a fun sprint and ideal opener with an all-time great finish. Kofi vs. Cesaro is so so good and the Cesaro/Sheamus team really clicked here – they looked like a well-polished unit taking it to Kofi early and I dig Sheamus still working heel and Cesaro being a babyface beast (Cesarorana, suplex setup to Neutralizer – OH MAN). Woods as a desperate cornerman was great too – screaming at E to get in the ring and go for the pin after the apron spear, interfering with his feet and trombone, sacrificing himself by taking the Brouge kick. Quite a few hot-ass near falls near the end too off the Big Ending, Neutralizer and SOS. The fake tag leading to the finish was soooo tremendous and New Day’s reaction made this feel like the massive moment it was. Post-match was great – Cesaro/New Day hug, Sheamus as a cock, Cesaro celebrating in the crowd. Is Cesaro this generation’s Bobby Eaton? Everyone loves him, amazing tag wrestler… just never connects to the next level. I dunno, just a thought. GOOD MATCH. ***1/4
2. 10-Minute Time Limit: Sami Zayn vs. Braun Strowman
Didn’t like anything about Braun vs. Sami and I like both guys. No urgency, no fire… just a drawn-out beatdown. Why didn’t Braun go for the kill? Did this really do anything for Zayn? Like, cool – he won by Foley/Braun bickering and moving out of the way 3 times. This is what happens when you over-think things. I’ll give it a star for Sami’s crossbody somehow getting a pop at the end. Just turn Sami heel or something, ya dipshits. *
Legit got goosebumps seeing the Nigel McGuinness announcement in the UK video package. Saw that fella tear it up in Highland, IN; sad he never got a real run in WWE – seemed more tailor made for it than a lot of the ROH ’00 guys.
3. Seth Rollins vs. Chris Jericho
So I knew this kid once. Jimmy was his name. And Jimmy was a dick. Made fun of kids, pushed them around. Total tattle-tale too, a real Teacher’s Pet. One day, one of the teachers made fun of Jimmy. And Jimmy expected us all to feel bad for him. Thing is – it just made us like the teacher more.
DO YOU GET IT? DO YOU UNDERSTAND? SETH ROLLINS IS JIMMY. THE TEACHER IS TRIPLE H.
Rollins and Jericho had a couple barn burners on RAW… this was more drawn out and not any better for it. Jericho’s shtick makes for fun TV, not a compelling long PPV match. And then you have Rollins just working some basic-ass match when he’s still not proven as your top good guy – come on, Seth! Step it up man. The Walls of Jericho roll-through was neat but also a total shit setup – stop trying to work a high-end match, Chris! Stick to your god damn strengths. **
4. Triple Threat Match – WWE Cruiserweight Title: Rich Swann [c] vs. TJ Perkins vs. Brian Kendrick
Poor, poor cruiserweights. Man was that a stinker. Completely over Kendrick as a centerpiece of this division. Felt like one of those Japanese exhibition matches that open up shows there sometimes – just 5 minutes of grappling to no reaction but it’s appreciated anyways because there’s no real expectation. But there were expectations here and the division is dying. Kids jamming to Swann theme almost made it OK. ALMOST. Highlight was Aries probably getting yelled at by Vince: “I think Mauro should maybe email or tweet em the rulebook for a Triple Threat Match so they can favordfdfsdfs.” *
HEEL NEVILLE!!!! YAAAASSSSS!!!!!!! Always a sign things are working when a heel turn gets a thank you chant.
5. 30-Minute Iron Man Match – RAW Women’s Title: Sasha Banks [c] vs. Charlotte Flair
Sasha vs. Charlotte was a backwards-ass feud – let’s try and kill each other culminating in me trying to choke you to death on a stair railing, and now we’ll work holds. But the work was strong throughout (outside of the SummerSlam match) and it was here too. HOWEVER – though I liked it, it isn’t worth going out of your way to see like other stuff in their series nor the original women’s Iron Man. Though the early trading of holds was neat, it took like 20 minutes to really become interesting. Sasha’s strutting, stair bump and wild swinging comebacks were all neat. Loved Charlotte’s facial expressions – the smiles when controlling Sasha, desperation on the falls, snarl at the sudden death announcement when she saw Sasha hurting. The few minutes of Sudden Death were AWESOME. Good not great – outside of the Neville turn and fake hot tag though, best part of the show. ***1/4
6. WWE Universal Title: Kevin Owens [c] vs. Roman Reigns
Reigns vs. Owens was just a decent, pretty lifeless match, and the last gasp of a dying show. Really great to see a top bad guy going into a match with HURT. FEELINGS. This has to be a meta thing making Owens de facto babyface vs. Reigns, right? What are they doing!?!? I’m so confused that I feel nothing!!! This thing just dragged on and never really clicked – Owens controlled for a while, Roman worked as the underdog… a couple neat things (superkick after the Drive-By, Owens trash talk, Reigns’ selling) that didn’t come together into a strong overall package. And then Jericho gets involved for the DQ and Rollins and Reigns come together and whatever man. A long match where nothing got going and the folks were just waiting for the inevitable Jericho run-in. **1/4
This was unfortunately a kind of stinking turd of a show and may’ve been the weakest PPV of the year – at least Survivor Series had Goldberg squashing Brock. The RAW brand upped their game the last few weeks, but it was too little too late. Almost nothing here had the extra juice a decent story would’ve provided, especially the Jericho/Rollins and Roman/Owens matches. Some stuff was actively bad, while other stuff was just boring which is even worse. Crowd had a right to be dead, but that didn’t help either. Iron Man and Tag Titles are worth checking out, otherwise… yeesh. 2/10
