The world needed something delightful, and it got Survivor Series.
This was a turd of a show. Shout out to the boys and girls in the back, but this just wasn’t a good day at the office. Very poorly laid out, and it seemed like they designed it to actively go against fan service. There’s a way to do that where it deserves praise, but coming out of this show there’s no clear path forward and nobody is more over than they were before. Plus they somehow made a Canadian crowd quiet. Welcome to Trump’s America.
A TWO-HOUR Kickoff show!? Total nightmare. Praise the lord for Fast Forward.
Kevin Owens had to piss off a sound guy screaming in the mic like that.
0. TJ Perkins, Rich Swann & Noam Dar vs. Tony Nese, Drew Gulak & Ariya Daivari
Both matches on the Kickoff show were pretty weak. The cruiserweight 6-man felt like the most cardboard cutout of cardboard cutout cruiserweight 6-mans. Had the most generic possible babyface team. As per usual a couple neat things and I still love Rich Swann but a pretty lame showing. I do love that in the Brian Kendrick/Kalisto video package, Kendrick brags about “outwitting” Noam Dar. Am I supposed to be impressed, motherfucker? **
0. Kane vs. Luke Harper
Luke Harper and Kane going with a chinlock as the first spot of their match was a weird deal. Liked Harper’s side headlock and slingshot senton. Otherwise I dunno. A plodding big guy match with not enough cool big guy shit. Kane looks old. Why not give a Harper/Crews rematch here? Why did Kane win? *3/4
1. Elimination Match: Team RAW (Charlotte Flair, Sasha Banks, Bayley, Nia Jax & Alicia Fox) vs. Team SmackDown (Becky Lynch, Naomi, Natalya, Alexa Bliss & Carmella)
The Women’s 10-Man Tag had a few fun parts (Becky vs. Sasha/Bayley/Charlotte, Nia crushing) but wasn’t a very good match – laid out poorly and pretty messy in places. The decision to spend more time having Alicia Fox and Carmella trade moves than on any real Four Horsewomen interaction really sums this one up for me. Match never got going and everyone just seemed off the whole time. Sasha going out early was a weird move that wasn’t sold as big as it should’ve been – same with Nia Jax tapping out. Having Bayley/Charlotte vs. Becky for the finish was just a bad situation on so many levels – Charlotte’s got talent but no one was rooting for her and her succeeding THEN beating down Bayley got the show off to a deflating start. Bayley got a big win over Becky but it was 2-on-1 and another thing not sold big at all. Classic example of them having a place to get to (Charlotte/Bayley) but doing it in the lamest possible way. **1/4
Chin puns? Is that where we are at now?
Seems like James Ellsworth has been eating his member berries.
2. If Zayn Wins, IC Title Goes to RAW – WWE Intercontinental Title: The Miz [c] w/ Maryse vs. Sami Zayn
The Miz vs. Sami Zayn for the IC Title was good not great – a solid, well-worked match that had trouble completely clicking with me. There was good stuff here though – Miz continues to be a great troll and Zayn did an amazing sell of the leg. The crumble on the Helluva kick was downright inspiring. But Zayn is still missing something – his matches lose so much when the people aren’t invested in him. Finish was fine but annoying considering every other decision on the show. A good match but weak Match of the Night. ***1/4
3. Elimination Match: Team RAW (The New Day, Cesaro & Sheamus, Enzo & Big Cass, Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson and The Shining Stars) vs. Team SmackDown (Heath Slater & Rhyno, American Alpha, The Hype Bros, The Usos and Breezango)
The 10-team tag match had some fun bits but was another match laid out weird and wasn’t good as a whole. No-Beard Rhyno is a terrifying thing. New Day and American Alpha going out so early was a real bummer, especially with Alpha looking the best they’ve looked so far on the main roster with the doomsday bulldog, the Chaos Theory out the Swing, and Gable’s dive. Long stretches of guys who just aren’t over and nothing was done to get them more over. Gallows looked terrible in places. Usos and Sheamus/Cesaro finished up pretty well but they didn’t come off as the right teams to close this up. **1/2
4. If Kalisto Wins, Cruiserweight Division Goes to SmackDown – WWE Cruiserweight Title: Brian Kendrick [c] vs. Kalisto
Brian Kendrick vs. Kalisto probably would’ve probably been a fine TakeOver opener. As a middle-of-the-show match in a big arena setting this one died. Kendrick is in a tough position; regardless he is just clearly not the right guy to lead this division right now. It’s just dead match after dead match. Spanish Fly to the floor was a pretty wild thing but I felt like a concerned mother for those two. Everything post-Bully Choke was presented in front of a crowd thinking, “fuck, this is still going.” Finish with Corbin interfering was super weak. Cruiserweights need a real shot in the ass. **
5. Elimination Match: Team RAW (Kevin Owens, Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns, Chris Jericho & Braun Strowman) vs. Team SmackDown (AJ Styles, Dean Ambrose, Randy Orton, Bray Wyatt & Shane McMahon) w/ James Ellsworth
The 10-man RAW vs. SmackDown match was an hour-long match with about 120 seconds of fun. Just way too many missed opportunities, stupid decisions and long stretches of Chris Jericho and Shane McMahon stinking up the joint. That they didn’t milk the first AJ Styles/Seth Rollins showdown was a travesty, but it wasn’t even the biggest travesty of the match: Braun Strowman actually selling Shane McMahon’s dumbass jabs was one of the stupidest things WWE has done in a long time. I am aware that that is saying a lot, but it truly was. And Shane takes care of Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins by himself. This is unacceptable – do not normalize this.
Shane dive into the spear was obviously scary and hope he’s OK, but let’s find a better way to use the guy. The early Styles/Owens stuff, Braun’s run of offense and crazy throw of AJ to the outside, wild brawling post-Shane table dive, Ellsworth eliminating Braun and going through the table, AJ doing his thing, AJ vs. Roman, and of course The Shield reunion were all good parts of a match that I’ll just remember as an long boring overbooked mess that going in seemed like a hard thing to fuck up. Liked the decision on the finish (Wyatt Family FINALLY gets a win) but man did it take for-fucking-ever to get there. **3/4
6. Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar w/ Paul Heyman
GOLDBERG ENTRANCE WAS THE BEST! As far as a match that knew what it had to be, Goldberg/Brock Lesnar was probably the best thing on the show. Goldberg squashed The Beast and the crowd flipped out! As the final match of everything that preceded it… yikes. ***
Where do we go from here? Are we going to do interesting things with Sasha and New Day after their quick losses? Is American Alpha going to get more of a focus? Charlotte vs. Bayley and Ambrose vs. AJ, I guess. Stephanie and Mick’s little pets will continue to fuck around in the RAW main event. Brock and Goldberg will disappear again. 2017, here we come.
There were just so many confusing choices that hurt the crowd, more than usual for this company – weak Kickoff matches, the Miz/Zayn finish, Sasha/New Day/Ambrose leaving their matches so early, Charlotte/Bayley going 2-on-1 and winning over Becky, the Corbin interference in a cruiserweight match that had already went too long, not milking the Rollins/Styles and Becky/Four Horsewomen showdowns, relying on an un-over Roman to carry an hour-long match, Ambrose and Styles acting like morons, the shocking but disappointing main event. I got the idea with Natalya replacing Nikki in Canada but you just replaced Nikki motherfucking Bella. Miz/Zayn was good – everything else was perfectly okay and completely uninteresting.
I watched this show with a few good brothers and the mood was just deflated after this show. Between WrestleMania 32, SummerSlam, and now this, maybe WWE just isn’t any good at producing a four-hour (three-and-a-half plus the Kickoff matches) big event right now. A crap outing is a crap outing. Better luck next time. 3/10
