Since Tuesday the 8th I have gone through a multitude of emotions, ranging from “There is no hope left” to “We’re gonna be OK after all.” This is the same range of emotions I have typically felt while watching Vince McMahon’s vision of professional wrestling since the brand split in July of this year. RAW had like one good reset show before sucking ass weekly. SmackDown had a couple crap shows before realizing they had some lemons and had to make lemonade – and boy has it been some good fucking lemonade. With that being said, I implore you to join me on this journey of emotions in this week’s WWE TV Week in Review.
PART 1: THERE IS NO HOPE LEFT – WE ARE ALL DOOMED
RAW wasn’t a bad show this week. There were some really good bits – the Brock/Goldberg showdown and main event angle were awesome build-ups for Survivor Series and I liked the 6-man with Rollins/Jericho/BRAAAAAUUUUNNNN vs. The New Day. But, as always – there was a whole lot of shit to sift through to even really enjoy the good stuff. The opening promo was a Rubix Cube of a segment – so many complicated ways to announce matches for a show, and Steph’s tweener character continues to be unbelievably grating. The opening tag (Reigns/Owens vs. Cesaro/Sheamus) had a couple decent individual performances, with everyone looking impressive at one point or another but it was wrapped in a package of just complete apathy. Nobody in the match is really clicking right now enough for the Parejas Increibles thing to work. Sami Zayn vs. Bo Dallas was a fine TV match to give Zayn a W en route to Survivor Series – really digging Bo’s new shtick. Wish they would’ve done more with Zayn/Braun, though I do now wish for a Zayn/Big Show feud.
I love the New Day dudes, but they kind of jumped the shark at SummerSlam with Jon Stewart. Nothing new is being said, and the RAW tag division isn’t interesting enough for them to be anything more than a funny promo. I did like the 6-man with them vs. Rollins/Jericho/BRAAAAAAUUUUUUNNN a lot though. The Jericho/Kofi and Rollins/Woods sequences were really fun, and the spot where New Day acted like they were Kaientai DX or something with the chain of moves on Jericho was awesome. It was nice to see Braun work an actual match vs. a total squash, and he looks better every week. I am all in on this guy right now, and he is really one of the better examples of WWE actually accentuating a guy’s strengths and hiding his weaknesses. Loved the corner bump and him looking like he was gonna fuck Jericho up when he tagged in first. His catch of Kofi and slam on the outside followed by taking out Big E was wild. This whole thing made me dream of a Jericho/Braun tag team – JeriSTROW.
The Kendrick/Sin Cara match was an alright match wrapped in the classic RAW package – set up to fail and failing. The promo to set it up with Cara being inaudible due to his mask was a bad start and it didn’t get any better. Always impressed with Cara’s power though… that tornado DDT catch to the northern lights was awesome. The 8-man or whatever was a pretty cold match, though I liked Gallows’ lines in the promo to set it up. Before they set fire to the Bullet Club experiment, let’s try and turn these fellas face. The Sasha Banks “You’re acting crazier than Miley Cyrus” line was AWFUL. The women’s tag was okay… Sasha looked really good working around Nia Jax and really bad doing the “bickering teammates” stuff with Charlotte. Just another RAW TV match where there’s not much good wrestling or even storytelling; they just have to put it out there so they can say they tried to build up the match. SmackDown was the real build to Survivor Series for the women.
The two big talking segments were pretty awesome though. The crowd was dead for most of the show, but woke the fuck up for the Brock/Goldberg face-to-face. Kevin Dunn gets a lot of well-deserved shit, but the quick camera cut to get the Colt Cabana big head out of the Brock shot was incredible. The security wall was an awesome move, and I liked them actually running away for once and not trying to fuck with Big Bill. Just a classic professional wrestling segment. Loved the closing angle with the RAW/SmackDown showdown too… SmackDown being portrayed as babyface is great, as was AJ Styles being the most over guy on the show. A couple nitpicks – Wyatt coming out in a SmackDown shirt is insane, and Jericho/Owens and AJ Styles being the two top heels trying to out-babyface each other is both a statement on modern professional wrestling as well as WWE’s inability to create a good guy star that you want to hear talk. But that’s a bunch of bullshit – this was an awesome deal. Highly enjoyed Braun staring at Jericho working the mic, watching intently. “That will be me one day.” All the big showdowns (Ambrose vs. The Shield, Wyatt vs. Braun, etc) were neat, as was Ambrose teasing a Shield showdown and then just punching Jericho. Just a wild brawl. This was the angle Survivor Series desperately needed. Follow-up question: why did Heyman enter Steph and Mick’s office for that backstage segment? What was the purpose?
RAW though…. man. On the premise that it stays 3 hours, this show needs a massive wake-up call. Have we learned anything from this election?? It’s about the presentation, damnit! And the presentation sucks. Here’s some notes:
- Stop with the weird-ass backstage segments… give me some Backstage Fallout-type stuff, or at least not make everything seem so WEIRD. Why are Braun, Seth and Jericho standing in a line facing the camera as they have a conversation? Why are all the cruiserweights just hanging out alone in a dark corner? If you want to run a proper promo just do that shit in front of a backdrop. Either make this seem kind of normal or go full-on professional wrestling god damnit.
- If you’re not going to do anything with the New Day outside of have them limp to the tag titles record then split them up already – turn E face, Kofi heel, and put Woods with Braun. For fuckssakes.
- Do some vignettes for the 95% of the roster that doesn’t have a character and isn’t over. Send Cesaro and Sheamus out shopping together. Have Rich Swann tell you his parents are dead. Have Gallows and Anderson remind you why it was a big deal when they signed. Have Bo talk about his transition from white meat babyface to delusional bad guy to motivational speaker to social outcast to pissed off prick.
- I can’t tell you if the commentary needs improvement or not, because I’ve tuned it out.
- Stop force-feeding stories – I get it, Sasha and Charlotte and Reigns and Owens and Cesaro and Sheamus don’t get along. I GET IT!!
- Stop having Steph sarcastically welcome us to RAW. Her schtick of being above this all is so grating – at one point I’d call her the best heel in the game, and she is now just the dirt worst part of every show.
- Stop making all the wrestlers out to be little children playing in Steph and Mick Foley’s sandbox. Give guys actual motivations. Nothing is over – who’s even getting a push right now? Owens, Jericho, and Rollins? They’re just lapdogs to the Authority. Goldberg and Brock are attractions, not your main event.
- Put shit over – let it breathe. Cesaro did some cool shit in that tag match and nobody cared.
- Is New Day really getting “pushed” or are they just doing the same thing every week? Same with Charlotte and Sasha. Same with Enzo and Cass. It’s the same cut-and-paste title feud or something else involving the Authority. It sucks.
- There’s a fun segment here and there, but there’s so little in these three hours that I can see being worth watching in a few years, not even for perverse “this is how it used to be” enjoyment.
- Make it FUN! I shouldn’t feel like my own worst enemy for loyally watching this every week. It’s just so long and not fun, even if I FF through commercials and recaps and entrances and other bullshit. In the end, it continues to be something I personally have a fascination with but could never actually encourage any friends or family to watch. Yeah yeah it’s wrestling ha ha hoo hoo it’s all a work brother – but your ratings, attendance, subscriptions, TV deals are down, and the only apparent way to pop any of it is to bring back guys from when you were on a hot streak. That well dries up. You are blessed with the best roster of talent that I can remember – make them stars. This is business, motherfuckers. Plan for the future.
Phew. That was fun. State of the WWE Universe was pretty neat but kind of stupid unless you’re a total wrestling geek. Liked the feel of everyone just sitting down having a chat though. Bryan just dropping facts on Team RAW followed by Stephanie doing dog whistles with “B+ player” – this was a presidential election year DEBATE, bitches. Love that WWE in the year of our lord 2016 actually allows a guy to straight-up shit on their booking on their own Network. Bryan asking how many guys on SmackDown are better off than they were, shitting on Kevin Owens not being a real champ since Triple H helped him win… tremendous. Sorry CM Punk, Dan Bryan is the real voice of the voiceless. Then you got Foley shooting on Bryan’s commitment to the business (YUCK) followed by Steph telling Shane their dad is more proud of her. You could just see the pain on Shane’s face. YEESH!
PART 2: WE’RE GONNA BE OK AFTER ALL
And then there was SmackDown. But let’s get one thing out of the way first. Daniel Bryan’s jump into frame at the start of Talking Smack might have been something you smirked at, or maybe wasn’t even something you really noticed at all. But I promise you this: that jump into frame will go down in the annals of history as an all-time great wrestling moment. I dare you – triple-dog dare you – to find a moment that more encapsulates all that is great about professional wrestling. Sure The Miz cut a sweet promo on who Bryan would be rooting for when he wrestles Sami Zayn, and sure it was cool to see Edge just gushing over the recent run of SmackDown, and suuure Becky Lynch referencing Junkyard Dog not once but twice while Daniel Bryan awkwardly stood off to the side with six GIRLS talking over each other was pretty awesome. But nothing – I repeat, nothing – will touch Daniel Bryan’s jump into frame at the start of Talking Smack.
NOTHING!!!
Let’s talk about SmackDown. What a fun wrestling show. It was the usually strong episode with the added fun of Edge, The Undertaker, and KING BOOK-AH showing up. Outside of The Undertaker promo, obvious highlight was another great Miz/Dolph Ziggler match for the revitalized Intercontinental Championship. I mean holy cow. I know Miz gets a lot of credit for bringing up the character work this year and having a bunch of great matches (better matches with Styles than Jericho, the 4-way with Owens/Cesaro/Zayn, the Ziggler series), but does Dolph not get enough? I mean I know he’s mostly stunk this year outside of this series, but he looks like one of the best wrestlers in the world when he’s wrestling Mike the Miz. And part of me wants to put some of that on Miz, but Dolph was impressive here. Guy has really upped his bumping game over the past few years… while it used to be about finding different ways to land on his head, he now looks like an awesome arena wrestler as he’s so damn expressive with every movement he makes. Does a ton of little things most guys don’t. This wasn’t a match with a feeling-out process – they just went at it with counter after counter after counter after counter. Is this what it’s like to watch two wrestlers who completely trust each other? Just amazing chemistry. I was so impressed with how they somehow managed to pull a match this compelling off AFTER having the big blowoff match with the Dolph win. Crowd was with this the whole way too. The Miz Knee+ followed by the SkullCrushing Finale (still one of the dumbest finisher names) was an amazing near fall, and the DDT counter by Dolph into a roll-through and Zig Zag leading to the foot-on-the-rope near fall was just as great. Loved the figure-four struggle, loved Maryse helping Miz for the win. Good Ol’ JR is vindicated – heels cheat, motherfuckers. Great, great match. ****
Closing angle was great too. WWE finally did a good job with the Survivor Series build this week. James Ellsworth just standing there for The Undertaker entrance was so great. This was the best use of Undertaker in years… the backstage shots of his hat and shadow, staredown with Shane, rallying the troops. Hope he isn’t pulling a Rocky Maivia: using the “I’m back” line then disappearing forever. KING-BOOKAH rallying the tag teams was pretty wonderful as well, outside of the street thug Usos seemingly marking out for him. Always a fine line with these “enemies team up” matches at Survivor Series – it’s a story device that’ll lead to some fun stuff, but Jimmy and Jey definitely did try to break Chad Gable’s leg a couple months ago and now they’re temporary bros chanting “all hail King Booker” together.
The rest of the matches here were short and alright. Oney Lorcan showing up (I assume a one-time thing) and just going at Kalisto was awesome – many worse ways to spend a couple minutes of TV time than Oney fucking a guy up with uppercuts. Yes Kalisto screwed up a dive, but sometimes people screw up. Didn’t hurt the match at all. I know all Trump supporters may not be racist, but I do know that anybody who still chants “you fucked up” is probably a Trump supporter. Nikki/Carmella was okay, though the neckbreaker to the outside seemed… ill-advised. Carmella looks better each week. Post-match brawl was awesome too, highlighted by Nia Jax’s big bump, the big Naomi dive, and Bayley awkwardly beating down Nikki. The 16-man tag was pretty fun too… nothing special but anytime where there’s 16 fellas in one pro wrestling match it’s bound to be a pretty fun time. Viktor’s wild uppercut to Ryder on the outside was pretty sweet.
NXT continued to be an underwhelming in-ring product but OH MAN the video packages. It was like WWE this week went “oh fuck we’ve got a couple big shows coming up.” They made the Survivor Series matches seem important on RAW and SmackDown, and put together some incredible video packages for Revival/DIY, the Dusty Classic finals, Tye/Roode, and Joe/Nakamura that almost made up for the last six months of absolutely nothing. The matches weren’t much … hate to say I thought Andrade Almas vs. Cedric Alexander kind of sucked. There were a lot of cool moments – Almas doing his thing as a cocky dipshit and Cedric doing his thing as Cedric Motherfucking Alexander – that didn’t come together as an actually compelling wrestling match. Peyton Royce vs. Liv Morgan had a great start with them just going after each other, otherwise just a match that existed to set up the post-match. Ember run-in was neat, but the beatdown wasn’t much. Ummm. They brought up the Shawn Spears run in the Tye Dillinger video. And The Drifter returned. Yes he did.
Main Event had a Main Event Match Worth Watching in Luke Harper vs. Apollo Crews. Crews is impressive, but it’s still all about how you work around him – only Tye Dillinger, Bubba Ray Dudley, and AJ Styles have really cracked that code. Add Luke Harper to that list. He kept up with him and had some fun reactions to the flipping. And at one point he just elbows the back of Apollo’s head and it’s awesome. Sweet spot with Crews backflipping off the apron followed by a big kick by Harper too. Harper is probably my favorite wrestler who doesn’t have a ton of great TV matches. When you see him dicking around on house shows trying to pop THE BOYS, or whatever he was doing with the archery taunt on this show though, you are reminded that the professional wrestling is sometimes not about the great TV matches, but the fun of it all. And Luke Harper is fun. Breezango vs. Vaudevillains was the other match on this show and was kind of a waste of time. Breezango kind of worked face and seem to be transitioning into a Fashion Police gimmick. OK.
The Superstars matches this week – Titus O’Neil vs. Curtis Axel and the fourth Jinder Mahal vs. Darren Young match since Mahal’s return – felt more meaningless than usual. Two perfectly fine matches by themselves, but surrounded by the pomp and circumstance of WWE just completely dead pieces of work.
WWE TV Match of the Week: The Miz and Dolph Ziggler have had like 4 of the best matches of the year in the last 3 months. How does it feel, marks?
WWE TV MVP of the Week: All Hail Michael Mizanin. Great match with Ziggler, great promo on Bryan. Can’t wait for him to piss off Toronto.
