The Kickoff show continues to be the most insane thing this company produces. Everybody somehow seems as if they are both rushed and stretching for time simultaneously.
0. Sin Cara, Lince Dorado & Cedric Alexander vs. Tony Nese, Drew Gulak & Ariya Daivari
Let’s talk about the fashion choices in the cruiserweight 6-man match. You’ve got Tony Nese’s goofy-ass chest plate. Drew Gulak is actually giving me some serious Malenko vibes as the angry serious guy of the division, but needs to drop the fucking jacket. And Sin Cara and Lince Dorado had MATCHING PURPLE GEAR – what in the hell, Cedric? This was a lot better than the Superstars match – more life, bigger highspots, better finish. Cedric continues to look like one of the best professional wrestlers in the world. Having Mauro flipping out on commentary helped too. Loved the spot with Daivari taking Sin Cara down for the first time – great timing. Nese suplexing Dorado to the outside was awesome. Leg drop by Dorado to break the Dragon sleeper was brutal. Always love seeing guys winning over a skeptical crowd. A fun time. ***
The New Day has jumped the shark. Was the Q&A segment setting up Tom Phillips as the hero of the WWE? What a god damn professional dealing with New Day’s bullshit. Though I liked how Xavier suddenly got super serious when asked about video games.
1. Hell in a Cell – WWE U.S. Title: Roman Reigns [c] vs. Rusev w/ Lana
Reigns vs. Rusev in the Cell started rough and closed strong. I like watching these two clobber each other, but it was like a lot of WWE gimmick matches lately – they put on a GOOD SHOW! – but I didn’t care. It’s the type of match that works if you don’t want to ask too much of WWE, and sometimes I envy the folks that don’t. The crowd aggressively demanding tables was dumb, but that’s what happens when the Cell don’t matter. Rusev’s bump off the Superman punch was wild, as was the Machka kick counter of the spear and chain-assisted Accolade. Start was pretty middling, but the last half was the kind of war you hope these matches are. ***1/4
Owens with the Broken reference in his promo … what a guy. How big a pop is Matt Hardy gonna get at the Rumble?
2. Bayley vs. Dana Brooke
Bayley/Dana was a match that was worked OK despite being in a tough spot. I appreciate Dana’s character work – now let’s punch up the wrestling a bit. Bayley continues to be good at what she does, but in this angle with this gal on this brand it’s not clicking. *3/4
Stephanie McMahon as a shameless pitch woman with her sidekick Mick Foley is so painful. The Hell in a Cell build might have been stupid and disappointing; the Survivor Series build might be unbearable.
3. Enzo & Big Cass vs. Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson
I still love how much people just flip out when Enzo & Cass’ music hits. The Enzo Toy Story line was an all-time classic. The match was a fine formula Enzo & Cass match. Nothing more than that, though Enzo punching away at Big Gal was a fun time. And stop it Saxton – nobody watches Gallows & Anderson New Japan tapes to get better. **
4. Hell in a Cell – WWE Universal Title: Kevin Owens [c] vs. Seth Rollins
I loved Seth Rollins/Kevin Owens. It felt very early TLC – a total car crash spectacle with some great bits in between. Rollins seemed like a guy possessed to have a good match, just running through all his shit early on with an extra oomph to it. Owens was great here – the audible “shut up”, the sentons to Rollins’ back, tearing off Rollins’ tape, climbing the cage to brag. Liked the spot where Rollins basically tope’d himself into the cage, followed by Owens gloating to cheers – because it is 2016 and nothing is clear anymore, god dammit. The New Japan tribute sequence was pretty fucking awesome, and they built to the big table spot really well, with Owens trying to figure out what to do with the tables and then Rollins DEADLIFTING Owens and hitting it. Just epic stuff. The pop for Jericho was awesome, and all the Jericho involvement was perfectly fine sports entertainment – plus we now have a documented Hell in a Cell match with a “stupid idiot” chant in the middle of it. Finish went a hair long and I wish it wasn’t so Jericho-intensive, but this was a sweet match in the middle of a shit story. At some point, ya just want a reminder why ya wanted Rollins and Owens as main event stars in the first place – this was that reminder. ****1/4
5. WWE Cruiserweight Title: TJ Perkins [c] vs. Brian Kendrick
Brian Kendrick tied TJ’s wrist tape to the ropes!!! And let’s be honest killed the crowd in the process. As happy as I am for Kendrick, the Cruiserweight Title match was a match that might have cemented the cruiserweight division as the bathroom break match for a generation. “Get a fuckin’ haircut, hippy.” *1/2
6. RAW Tag Team Title: The New Day (Big E & Xavier Woods) w/ Kofi Kingston vs. Cesaro & Sheamus
Tag Titles was another average match in the middle of three big ass Cell matches. Sheamus plancha was cool. Then there was a DQ and whatever I don’t care. *3/4
7. Hell in a Cell – RAW Women’s Title: Sasha Banks [c] vs. Charlotte Flair
WWE not clearly promoting the first ever women’s main event of a pay-per-view and then having Foley as the centerpiece of the hype video is insanity. All the annoying bullshit aside though, Charlotte vs. Sasha was a more than worthy main event and an awesome match. The entrances were tremendous, with Charlotte playing queen and Sasha again rocking the Brooklyn entrance. The Boston reaction for Sasha was INSANITY. How cool is it that the route they went with this was a postmodern Magnum/Tully??? Lots of hate, crazy bumps, screams of agony. Lots of highlights here – the wild brawl in the crowd, powerbomb through the table, Sasha flipping her shit on the medic, the monkey flip to the cage, Charlotte just dumping Sasha over the top to the floor, Sasha’s crazy tope, backbreaker to the chair, that kick by Sasha to the back of Charlotte’s head when she was taunting, the dive from the steel mesh into the double knees, Sasha’s Eddie tribute, Charlotte’s sell and fight out of the Bank Statement, Sasha’s slap before dropping the corner double knees, the table spot at the end not working perfectly but somehow adding to the grittiness, Sasha breaking out of the Figure-Eight with a chair, Charlotte’s “You will respect me!”, Sasha’s back giving out on the powerbomb, Charlotte just wrecklessly tossing Sasha onto the table, and then the match just ENDING. BECAUSE EVERYBODY IS HURT AND THE HELL IN A CELL IS DANGEROUS, GOD DAMNIT! I’d like to get all concerned dad over Sasha, but she is a god damn professional wrestler. She is motherfucking Atsushi Onita and Bruno Sammartino wrapped in one. Her light will shine on. ****1/4
This was a show with three strong Hell in a Cell matches and a bunch of stinker standard matches in between them. I mostly had a good time, but there also hasn’t been a WWE PPV with this many straight-up crap matches in a while. 5/10
