The HUGE pop for Curt Hawkins on the Kickoff was promising. They have somehow turned this lame gimmick babyface. The pyro after the 20-second promo was amazing. I don’t know if this is going to work in the long run, but right now it’s fun.
The Shane/Bryan backstage segment was so weird – Alexa seemed to be on a different planet from them, and the blatant scripting and shoehorning of promotion (Shane having to stress Becky’s injury wasn’t related to in-ring activity, Bryan plugging the match in Scotland) was gross.
This thought popped into my head while fast-forwarding through most of the Kickoff – Jerry Lawler is basically Donald Trump if he had to appeal for years to blue-collar wrestling fans from the South and not rich fucks from the North.
0. American Alpha & The Hype Bros vs. The Vaudevillains & The Ascension
The 8-man tag was a fun match. Mojo as WWE’s Bugsy McGraw is fine, though I want to see what he can do as a heel. This was basically a collection of crowd-pleasing stuff by the good guys and a pretty ordinary beatdown by the bad guys, outside of English singing while working the chinlock. Love a fired up Jason Jordan, and the finish came together really well. **3/4
Card placement was weird. Good for them trying something new, but if they were doing the WWE Title match as the opener, I have no idea why they wouldn’t close with the Dolph Ziggler/Miz match that had a damn fairytale ending versus Randy Orton and Bray Wyatt having themselves a SmackDown main event.
1. Triple Threat Match – WWE World Title: AJ Styles [c] vs. John Cena vs. Dean Ambrose
Triple Threat Match was basically a movie as opposed to a film – a little too cute, but really fun. This was basically non-stop nuttiness in front of an amped up crowd, with a bunch of action strung together really well. It was that way right from the start and stayed that way. All three of these guys are such impressive performers, AJ and Cena especially. I can’t believe Cena is still doing this stuff at a major level – he rocked an epic U.S. indy tournament final type match that worked in a big arena while pushing 40. Mauro calling a Dodon TWICE was peak Mauro, for better or worse. Cena took the god damn apron suplex again. Ambrose swatting away at Cena to break up the STF was great. Finish was tremendous… the double AA followed by Cena throwing AJ into Ambrose followed by the enzuigiri from AJ to Cena followed by the rebound lariat from Ambrose to AJ was BONKERS. The screwy finish – double submission tapout on AJ, bell rings but match continues, AJ uses a single chairshot to win – was a pretty pointless addition to an otherwise awesome match. ****
2. Nikki Bella vs. Carmella
Nikki and Carmella had the tough task of following the Triple Threat and did alright. Lots of Carmella on offense here that peaked at being okay. Nikki powering out of the Code of Silence was a highlight. It really wasn’t bad, though it wan’t very interesting either. Good for WWE giving it almost 10 minutes though. *3/4
3. SmackDown Tag Team Title: Rhyno & Heath Slater [c] vs. The Usos
Tag Titles match was nothing world-changing and they’ve definitely cooled off Heath/Rhyno quite a bit, but it was a fun little basic tag team match. The Usos’ new look is immediately my #1 reason to anticipate WWE 2k18. I’m really appreciating Rhyno getting a lot out of a little right now – shoulder tackles and chops, baby. The “He’s Got Kids” chant followed by Jey yelling I GOT KIDS TOO was possibly the best part of the show. **1/2
4. Jack Swagger vs. Baron Corbin
Jack Swagger vs. Baron Corbin wasn’t bad, but a long stretch on Baron Corbin on offense was not the right move for this point in the show. I like ol’ Baron, but yeesh. Actually impressed at how well Swagger did getting the crowd back into it, and liked him selling the hand. Yep. **1/4
5. Career vs. Title – WWE Intercontinental Title: The Miz [c] w/ Maryse vs. Dolph Ziggler
Fuck yeah, Miz and Ziggler. This was on a similar level to their first two matches, both of which I loved, with a more dramatic finish and it being the culmination of a great bringing it up another notch. Miz and Ziggler seem like the kind of guys that would joke about working people into thinking they are actually any good, but they have gotten very good, and just have this weirdly great chemistry. The first half was basically the Greatest Hits of their first two matches, with Miz controlling, Ziggler geting his stuff in, and a couple really smooth sequences around it. Loved the spots where Miz’ Bryan dropkicks led to him getting dropkicked by Zigglr, and the slingshot powerbomb by Miz leading to the sunset flip by Ziggler. The figure-four struggle was REAL. Liked them building to Miz finally hitting the slingshot powerbomb after 3 tries, even though they almost lost it on the last 2. The near fall off the Zig Zag from Ziggler after Daniel Bryan Kicks from Miz was amazing. Loved Ziggler being desperate as shit towards the end, crawling to Miz after the bootless suprkick. The timing of the foot on the ropes by Ziggler after Maryse sprayed the perfume was amazing. Now I’m the kind of guy that loved Shawn Michaels vs. Vince McMahon from WrestleMania 22 just for the goofy spectacle of it all, so I was all in on the Spirit Squad interference. The crowd was SO into it when Miz hit the Skullcrushing Finale after the run-in, and the pop for the kickout was wild. This feud and match felt like Vince McMahon’s grand idea of professional wrestling and sports entertainment in 2016 truly clicking, but with two skinny geeks instead of a Roman or Brock. Crowd went absolute bananas for the 3-count. Just an awesome culmination to a 3-match series – pro wrestling as fuck. ****1/2
I take it back – Randy Orton’s face morphing in the mirror is Vince McMahon’s grand idea of professional wrestling in 2016.
6. Naomi vs. Alexa Bliss
Alexa Bliss is a fun wrestler but her vs. Naomi was another cold woman’s match following a wild match with a crazy crowd. And Becky not being there really just deflated this further. It was a tough spot, but it wasn’t very good either. Went like 5 minutes though, so whatever. Most interesting thing here was Naomi winning with a quick rollup, which was how she beat Natalya on Main Event this week. If this was a RAW show I’d say it was a coincidence, but it being on SmackDown makes me wonder if that’s the new gimmick. *
7. Randy Orton vs. Bray Wyatt
I never connected Randy Orton using the Garvin Stomp and Cowboy Bob teaming with Garvin until this match and JBL’s reference. Orton vs. Bray Wyatt felt like an average SmackDown main event, not a PPV main event. Orton might be one of the very best professional wrestlers in the world, but man does he have some stinker main events to his name. I liked the start – the lock-up followed by the Bray corner pose, Bray avoiding the RKO. Everything else… I dunno. They brawled. They got their shit in. There were a couple neat counters. It was okay. As a main event to this show though it was very, very shitty. **1/4
Of course, Luke Harper returning was very, very awesome and he looked absolutely savage. Still though, not cool enough to cover for a lame match.
Talking Smack was fun to watch just for all the weird timing issues – them apparently putting the set up at the last second, Daniel Bryan’s impassioned thank you to the crew, Renee and Bryan rushing through conversation (I’d guess to hit just at the 3-hour limit for PPV providers?). Renee and Bryan feeling free enough to at least reference this stuff is what makes this thing fun. Ziggler and Alexa were interviewed. They did fine.
Solid show with two great matches surrounded by questionable choices and a couple rough matches. Lack of Becky Lynch and decision to end show on a whimper with Randy Orton vs. Bray Wyatt hurt a show that still had two excellent matches, including one I might put in my top 5 for the entire year. 7/10
